I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
