How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
