The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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