I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
