My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
