Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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