hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Randomize
