I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
