Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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