She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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