Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Randomize
