okay pat passed out under dana's car
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
you will always have a special place in my vag
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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