the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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