is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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