ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
