I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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