Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
