I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
