Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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