Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
