Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
