I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
