I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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