she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
