Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
