I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Dicks are not precious.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
