the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
