I've blown a few things in my day
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
