omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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