she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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