you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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