I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
