Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
