My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
