if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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