So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize