I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
FUCK WHALES
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