I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
