my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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