Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
