There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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