You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
