I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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