Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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