You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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