Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
