mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
