my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
