Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
