I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
