i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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