We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
