That's when you crack a 10am beer
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
