just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
