I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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