I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
