last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
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He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
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New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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