4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
