We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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