Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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