my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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