check it out our google latitudes are spooning
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
