I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
