watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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