there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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