My underwear smells like fireworks.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
i need some magic done to my vagina
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I need water and some morals
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
