Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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